Over on Twitter, the generally respectable @Bri174 has suggested that Jeremy Corbyn erotic fan fiction might actually be a thing. It wasn’t a possibility that had occurred to me… until now. After nearly twenty seconds hard thought, here’s an extract from ’50 Shades of Red’:
Jeremy took a small black notebook from an inner pocket and briefly riffled through the pages, searching for a number. After a few moments he found what he was looking for. He lifted the telephone receiver on his desk and punched in a number. Then listened to the ring tone, his breath coming faster.
“Hello, who is this?”
“It’s Jeremy”
“Oh hi… sorry I didn’t pick up earlier, I’m in bed”
A wolfish grin flickered across the veteran activist’s lips and he ran his finger round the neckline of his Co-op Fairtrade natural wool and cotton vest.
“In bed? What are you wearing?”
“Well Jeremy”, came the reply, “it’s soft and black…”
“Describe it”, he almost snarled.
“It just comes down to my hips…”
“Go on!”
“And it has ‘Solidarity with Palestine’ printed on the front. I bought it from a stall at the Party Conference”
Jeremy felt a strange and intense heat growing within him.
“I want you to tell me’, he said in a commanding voice, “exactly what position you would like me to…”
His voice caught for a moment as his excitement grew but he recovered himself.
“Ah, you would like me to adopt on… the… ah…ah… the Syrian refugee crisis…”
He was nearly there now…
Etc etc etc…
Adrian Weale 
I fucking love this, 10/10 delivery.
I’m harder than a peado in Lego Land